Exhaustion

*This is a piece I wrote quite a while ago, in January or February.  In the few months since then I’ve cycled through this exhaustion a few times in different ways.*

I’ve grappled for the words that truly describe how I feel. Day in and day out. Sometimes it’s sad. Sometimes angry. Sometimes ….. Today the word that came to me is exhaustion.

As I was walking in the park, I was watching the creek flowing, swollen with the recent rains. Spilling over its banks, rushing downstream. And I was taken by this branch in this video. The one in the distance that is being overcome by the rushing water, over and over. It seems it is constantly fighting to stay afloat, to keep above the rising water.

That is how I feel. Like my grief and sorrow just continually overwhelm me. Constantly trying to pull me under. And it is a constant fight to stay above water. Constant. And it is exhausting.

At the next bridge crossing this morning, I came across this branch. It bobs up and down. It is continuously pulled under and then bounces back out. Only to be pulled under again. Sometimes it is pulled under a little deeper and held a little longer. Sometimes it bounces back a little higher and seems to be able to stay above the water just a bit longer. There is somewhat of a rhythm, but not totally. And again, it is constant. With no real end in sight.

This is what life feels like right now. A constant struggle to stay above. To fight past the grief. To make the choice to see the happy, choose joy, remember the good memories, just keep going. And I’m just tired. No, I am exhausted.

I guess that the creek will not stay at this stage. The waters will recede and the branches will dry out. No longer overcome by the high waters. But who can truly predict the coming storms? And you can’t stop Mother Nature.

What happens when exhaustion overtakes you?

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